Nothing is Permanent except Change

Ahhh my children, if only I could give you all of Life’s lessons that I have learned.  But it doesn’t work that way does it?  No, each of us have to learn exactly what we need to learn in this Life on our own.  As a Mother, I would gladly hug each of you close to my bosom and protect you from the hurt, the pain that accompanies some of the lessons one has to learn.  I can only stand by and watch and pray that the pain won’t devastate you…that the  hurt won’t be so deep that it will take a long time to recover and heal.  If only I could protect you from all of this, but I cannot. 

I can only stand by…as I feel the pain deep within my heart and soul as I watch you my grown child, struggle with your inner thoughts, the stress mounting high in your mind, as you try to grip the meaning of all that is happening to you.  I can only pray devoutly to my God imploring His love and mercy to guide you, to shelter you in time of need, to comfort you when you hurt, to guide you in the darkness…to be a Light of Hope for your future, and to heal you from the pain that you are enduring now and in the days to come.

I can only tell you this, that this too shall pass.  There will come a time when you look back on all that has happened to you, and you will make sense of it, and in this will come your healing from the wounds of the Heart. 

I love you my dearest child that is hurting today.  I hold you close in my thoughts, and in my prayers I wrap you safe in God’s love and mercy and protection. 

I have learned so much…and I wish that my lessons would protect you in the lessons that are for you in this Life.

I have learned…

That…vows are not to be broken.

That…loving someone doesn’t make someone love you

That…the grass is not greener on the other side.

That…losing a love doesn’t mean that you cannot heal from it.

That… another person’s perception of you is not always the truth.

That…being a survivor is difficult but an absolute necessity.

That…Karma is real and that what you do good or bad…comes back to you in this Life and this applies to all who have done good or bad to you.

That…you do not lose yourself in another so that you no longer know yourself.

That…when all seems lost and you are at the bottom, there is only one way to look…and that’s up.

That…prayer is a source of learning, a source of comfort, a source of forgiveness, a source of guidance.

That…Life passes quickly by so do as you need to do in this Life to bring you joy, happiness and peace.

These are but a few of Life’s lessons that I have learned, but they are the greatest lessons that I have learned, and one last lesson my children…

That…From bad comes a good…just look for it and you will find it.

I give you my love…a Mother’s love…deep and abiding and forever.

I turn 65 years old in December.  This is a milestone in my life.  It begins with Medicare which I have studied for several months over all of the Medicare supplement and Advantage plans for Florida.  I finally made an informed choice on the Medicare Supplement Plan that I opted for, and went ahead and signed up for the plan as well as Medicare Part D plan.  All is in place, and with that done, I felt a huge sense of relief.  My mind relaxed after making this decision.  Although it was only one of another momentous decision in my life.

Throughout the year I have had several discussions with Don and Lisa and Debby in regards to my grandchildren attending Catholic Schools.  Don and Lisa’s children attend a Catholic school here in Florida and Alec is in the 8th grade and Katie is in the 6th grade.  Debby and Troy’s daughter Jordan attends a Catholic School in CO and Jordan is in the 5th grade.  I have seen such wonderful changes in my grandchildren’s lives since attending their respective schools.  We discussed the advantages of the children going to a school where God is foremost in their lives.  I discussed often with Alec and Katie when I would pick them up from school on the ride to their home, how their day went, and quite often they would tell me what they learned at school, or in their religion classes, or what they thought about Mass.  I took all of this in consideration when I finally decided to begin attending church in my neighborhood.

My life has made many sidetrips into studying other religious Faiths.  I was baptized and confirmed in the Lutheran Church when I was young, and when I married Sterling, we were married in the Methodist Church which was the church that he had attended as a child.  In the early 60’s, I felt anti-war after watching so many that I knew go to Viet-Nam and were killed there, and for a couple of years I studied and attended the Jehovah Witness church, but later on, made the decision that this was not for me or my children, and I left the church (which results essentially in being ex-communicated from the Jehovah’s Witnesses who are no longer allowed to speak to any person who has left or are ex-communicated from the church.)  Many years later in the 70’s, I attended an Episcopal Church in North Platte, Nebraska and Debby and I went to the adult catechism classes and joined the Episcopal church at that time.  When I moved to Colorado in 1979, I went through a divorce from Sterling in 1980 and in 1982 I was married to Michael.  Michael had been born and baptized in the Catholic Church, although he was not a practicing Catholic.  During the following years, I did not attend church, however, while I worked at Fitzsimons Army Medical Hospital, I would find myself often taking my break in the chapel and spending quiet time in the sweet silence of the chapel.  I said many prayers, and spilled many tears in that little chapel.  God never seemed far away from me, and He held me close during the time when Michael died and for years after.

I watched the “Tudors” series on Cable tv and realized exactly how the Church of England and the Episcopal church came about during Henry the VIII’s reign.  Once again I found myself reaching out to God and wanting a “church” in my life.  I needed it then, and I need it now.  So, I attended a few churches in my neighborhood, and found such solace and peace at the neighborhood Catholic Church.

I made an appointment to meet Sister Mary and begin the RCIA classes to join the Catholic Church.  I began the classes several months ago, and my beginning decision that led me to the Catholic Church was to have a church that I could “share” with my Grandchildren.  This was what brought me there, that and the fact that I truly liked the church.  So, I began the classes with that foremost in my mind.  However as the classes progressed and I studied and prayed more, I found my original decision slowly dissolving in importance, and a new and “informed” choice forming in my mind.  I found that in reaching out for God, He had touched my heart with His Light and Love, and I found myself changing in thought, in word, and in deed….

The first change that came about, and my family can testify to…I quit cussing.  I used to cuss with the best of the cussers…LOL…my mouth simply spoke things that now I chose not to say or think.  I found the “Anger” within me melting away and being replaced with love.  I found appreciation for my life becoming a cherished treasure and my gratitude for God blessing me with so many blessings, overflowing my heart. 

My family, my son Don, my son Dan, my daughter Debby and their spouses, and my grandchildren, and great-grandchildren bring me such pleasure and love into my life.  They are my greatest blessings. Don and Lisa’s choice to move me from Colorado to Florida and care for my daily financial needs, as well as giving me their love has been such a huge blessing to me. 

I find myself able to forgive others and to accept others for who they are, which is such a blessing.  Forgiveness brings such peace.  I have at last forgiven myself.  The guilt that I have felt for many years in the divorce that occurred between Sterling and myself, and the trauma that came from it to our children’s lives at that time,  has haunted me for years.  I have never been able to forgive myself for this until now.  Now, with the Grace of God, I have forgiven me.

I find my life changing..ever changing now…I am a work of God….a project that is not finished.  I am a child of God.  What a wonderful thing to really know that I am a child of God and that He is my Father. I finally accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  What a joy to say this and know it within my mind and my heart and to feel it in my life.

I will be accepted into the Catholic Church at the evening Mass Nov. 21st.  It is the beginning of my Spiritual journey and not the end.  I look forward to the years that I have left to serve my God.

Dream Catcher

The Dream Catcher is one of the most beautiful stories in American  Indian Mythology.

It is said that both good dreams and bad dreams circulate in the Night air.

The loop, its center woven in a web-like pattern, allows the good dreams to pass through the web into the sleeper,

But makes the bad dreams become entangled in the web, where they perish at the first light of Dawn.

 A year ago my  granddaughter Jordan  and my daughter flew to Florida for a visit.  While they were here, Jordan confided in me that she had "bad dreams".   I listened intently to her recounting a few "bad dreams", remembering my fear when I was young and had a few of those "bad dreams" myself.   I immediately thought of the dream catcher that  I had hanging from my bed.   I took Jordan into my bedroom and showed her the little Dream Catcher.   I told her about the dream catcher telling her the beautiful story of how the the Dream Catcher would prevent her from having bad dreams, but allow her to have the good dreams.  I watched her face light up as I promised to give her mine.   When it came time for them to leave, I untied the little Dream Catcher from my bed and handed it to Jordan.  She carefully packed it in her carry on bag  and promised that she would call me in a few days.   True to her word, she called me and told me ,  "The Dream Catcher had caught her "bad dreams" and she only had good dreams now." Of course I was delighted.  Over the next several months I searched in the neighborhood shops for a Dream Catcher, but I could not find another.  I remembered when I had first been given my Dream Catcher.  It had been long ago when I first saw the dream catcher in a little wooden shop nestled in Evergreen,  I pointed at the little Dream Catcher and Michael smiled as he watched my eyes dance as I looked at it hanging among several dream catchers that were displayed.   He reached into his pocket and paid the shop keeper  as I carefully tucked my little gift snuggly into my purse.  I had kept it over the years and the Dream Catcher had made the move to Florida with me.   I had tied it on the head of my bed and it had hung there until I had given it to Jordan.

When Deb and Jordan flew out to Florida two weeks ago, Jordan immediately produced the little Dream Catcher that she had packed to bring to Florida.  She said, "Grandma, put this by the bed so I won't have bad dreams while I am here!"  I immediately placed the Dream Catcher on the bed stand so that Jordan could see it.  The Dream Catcher did its job and once again, when it was time for them to leave, Jordan packed the little Dream Catcher in her bag.  I told her that I had looked for another dream catcher, but I simply could not find one.  She said, "I know Grandma, I have looked too, and there aren't any in the stores!" 

Today I went to the mail, and there was a neat little package from Deb and Jordan.  I opened the package and as my hands reached inside, I withdrew the gift that Jordan had found for me.  It was a beautiful Dream Catcher.   I withdrew it and held it lovingly in my hands, and then walked to my bed and tied it in the center of my headboard so that it could hang above my head as I sleep.    I picked up the phone and called Deb and Jordie and thanked them for this precious gift that Jordan had found for me while on vacation here in Florida.  They found it in a little shop in the Everglades.  Jordan had immediately picked it out for me.  Deb said she was adamant about getting the Dream Catcher.  "Its for Grandma, so that she won't have bad dreams!"