Thank You

 

My oldest Grandson Joshua has now joined the ranks of the military.  My heart is filled with pride as I have watched Josh become a man who is now serving his country.   He graduated from Bootcamp this past week.  He stood tall and proud in his uniform as he marched past his family who were there to observe the graduation ceremony. 

 

Josh has joined the best of the best...our sons, daughters, grandsons, granddaughters, husbands, fathers, brothers, sisters, mothers who have made the choice to serve our country.  We will not forget them.

 

Congratulations my Grandson Josh.  I am proud of you beyond any words that I can express.  I know your Grandfather Michael who proceeded you in uniform will watch over you as your Guardian Angel from above.  May you come home to those who love you safe and well.

 

I love you Josh.  I know that your Grandfather would want you to have his Green Beret and when I see you again my Grandson I will place it in your hands for safe keeping.  I love you forever.

 

 

 

Today was the day!  I had reminded myself over and over the past two weeks that I would set aside this weekend to go through the garage and clean out the assorted plastic boxes that had moved with me three years ago, and had remained in the garage in storage.  I had no idea what was in the boxes, but I knew there were many things that I would need to go through and toss.

 

Tina, my 20 year old granddaughter dutifully came with me out to the garage.  I could read in her eyes that she didn't want to help with this task anymore than I wanted to have to tackle it.  But we both dug in and began sorting through the stacks of boxes.  I opened each one and many things simply weren't needed any longer.  I had not touched them for three years and therefore my reasoning was I didn't need it.  Old clothes were carefully bagged for Good Will.  Old books that I loaded in my car to take to the Facility's library.    Touching moments when I came across the Bible that my parents had given me when I was 13 years old and was ready for Confirmation in the rural Lutheran Church where I grew up.  I fingered the worn leather cover and carefully reboxed it to save for the trip to Florida in December.

 

It was like Christmas at times...unexpected joy as I found a box of old pictures.  I found my favorite picture of my Mother when she was young.  I showed Tina what a beauty my Mother was in her youth.  I could see a hint of my Mother in my Granddaughter's face.  Tears shimmered in my eyes as I told stories to my Granddaughter as we worked side by side in the hot garage.  These are moments that someday my Granddaughter will recall.  These are the Treasured Times of Life.

 

I found my baby book and pictures of me that I knew that my children would want to see.  I will make copies of the pictures of myself and the family that I can give to my children and Grandchildren.  My heart felt so full.

 

I found pictures of Michael and tears flowed down my cheeks  as his eyes stared from the photo into mine.

 

I found my missing digital camera and rejoiced as I thought it was lost.  This was the camera that my son Don had given me.  I had not been able to find it the past three years, altho I had hoped beyond hope that it might be in the garage in one of the storage containers...and I laughed as I held it.

 

 I found Michael's high-power binoculars that we used to watch the deer in the mountains and the nest of Eagles across the River.  I smiled as I placed them carefully in my pile to carry into the house.

 

I also found Mike's old denim jacket.  I placed it lovingly in my hands and held it close to my face...I could still smell the sweet scent of him as I carefully refolded the old jacket and placed it in a box to move to Florida.  I could not part with this treasure...a reminder of Michael warm and loving within me.  I knew there would come a day on a cool night that I would slip his jacket on...and I would reminisce of memories of Michael bursting through the door after work and hugging me close....my face pressed against his jacket.

 

We worked for a long afternoon on the garage.  I have almost finished going through all the boxes...just a few left to go through which I will save for another day....a day when I will find once again sweet treasures that I have carried with me.

 

I am tired tonight...tired to the bone...but happy.  It was such a good day!  I will sleep tonight with the Memories that stir within me....

Memories that were lost but now found...

 

This evening I walked to the Ancient Men's Lake.  I stood at the bank, the water softly lapping against it.  I always feel such peace when I come to the Lake.  It is a special place for me.  Tonight I sensed the Ancient men's Spirits standing  quietly beside me.  I felt the calming comfort of their presence...their love filling my soul with sweet serenity.

 

I stood as the sunset gloriously in the West...disappearing behind the mountains.  The wind rustled the leaves of the trees...sweet music to my ears.  I felt that wonderful sense that "Everything is as it should be"....

 

This weekend I will have two of my granddaughters staying with me...Tina, my 20 year old, and Jordan, my 7 year old.  I am going to walk with my granddaughters to the Ancient Men's Lake...we will stand hand-in-hand, as the wisdom of the Lake whispers to our souls...I will share with them the secrets of the Lake...the solace that they can find as they stand before the water...allowing the Colorado wind to whisper the peace that those of us who visit are promised.  I will tell them the stories of Max and Buddy as we walked to the Lake...how they loved the Geese that flew overhead.  We will laugh my Granddaughters and I...

 

And when we walk away...just beyond in the Lake...The Ancient Men will bid us farewell as they climb the Stairway to Heaven...

 

I happened upon this artwork and it gave me great pleasure in looking at it.  I spent much of my day watching the rain fall softly from my window...sweet life-giving rain quenching the dry land of Colorado.  I welcomed the cool damp weather and embraced the rainfall as an answer to a prayer.  Colorado as well as many states have been terribly dry and any rain is a God-send...so I enjoyed my Saturday as I watched the rain fall.

 

Through my window I watched the neighborhood come to life.  A black and white cat with a red collar came to my window and looked through at Cleo my cat.  She was fascinated with the visitor and showed no fear as the cat pawed the window in play.  It was beautiful to watch my little Cleo playing with the neighbor's cat.  It made me smile.  Cleo's paws aren't as painful from the declawing 9 days ago...I am glad.  She is such a sweet little pet. 

 

Tina readied for a night out with her girlfriends.  I watched my twenty-year old granddaughter slip into a pair of jeans and a modest olive green t-shirt that complimented her auburn hair.  I could see the Irish shining in her hair...shades of red like my great-grandmother Ida...long and lush it hung upon her shoulders.  I smiled as she kissed me goodbye and headed for the door.  Ahhhh to be young again, I thought as I settled in for the evening...

 

Rain falls as I am writing this...I can hear the raindrops against the window...smell the fresh damp rain as it wafts in my window....

 

Life is sweet tonight.  As I stare though my window... 

August 2nd...Michael's birthday.

 

 I spent the entire day with thoughts of Mike, as tho he were still close by and any minute the door would open and I would once again see his face...his smile. 

 

 I was home from work...in pain with another kidney stone.  I had started hurting over a week ago, and by Monday at work it had become full blown excruciating pain.  I could hardly stand up.  Chris, the PA took one look at my face and handed me a pain med.  I hate pain meds, but I wasn't about to quibble over whether to take it or not...the pain was as tho a knife was stabbing me in the back.  I took the pain med, and Chris helped me walk back to the sick bed.  I curled up in a fetal position and waited for the pain to subside.  The pain slowed to a dull roar and I waited till the effects of the pain med had worn off enough that I could drive myself home.

I went home and crawled into bed.  

I spent Tuesday and then Wednesday home incapacitated for the most part from the kidney stone.  I finally passed it Wednesday but my pain continued.  I called the doctor and he told me what I already knew.  There was most assuredly another stone working its way from the kidney and  thus the pain continues.  He told me if I didn't pass it by this weekend, I would have to come in and have a catscan to make certain the stone is small enough to pass.  I hung up and shrugged off the desire to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head.  Not much one can do until the stone passes...but I didn't want to spend my day dozing from the pain meds.  I tried to settle into my favorite chair ...I watched the clock...

 

Wednesday was Michael's birthday.  I felt the depression from the pain meds settle upon my mind.  This is why I hate to take the pain meds...they put me into a slump...both mentally and physically.  But then, did I have a choice?  No, I decided...the pain was too sharp.  So Wednesday came and went...and I spent my day remembering, as I usually do..on Mike's birthday.  I remembered his face...his laughter...his voice...the smell of his skin and the touch of his lips.  Memories....bitter sweet they came...washing over me like the waves of the Ocean...and I allowed the memories to fill my day...as I waited...waited for ... the door to open and Mike to walk in...as if the past four and a half years since his death had all been a bad dream.  But it was not a dream... the day came and went...and the door didn't open with Michael walking in and wrapping his arms around me ...it wasn't to be.  I knew it...yet it was almost nice for a few moments to delude myself into thinking  that he would come home!  I sighed...allowing reality like a cold shower pour over me...soaking my very soul.

 Reality which had blurred with the day's memories finally stood out in stark truth...and the familiar pain cut through my heart as Iacknowledged the fact that Michael wouldn't be coming home to celebrate his birthday. 

 

The wait ended and I went to bed.  I pulled the sheet over me  and  whispered "Happy Birthday" to Michael.    I closed my eyes and allowed the night to close in...

 

The rest of the week has passed insignificantly...the kidney stone is still with me...the pain sharp for the most part and intermittantly dull...but it never seems to really go away.  I see the nephrologist on Tuesday...perhaps by then I will have passed it.  I can only hope.

 

There is so much for me to do...the time is passing quickly.  Soon I will be moving.  I need to paint my condo..get Lowe's to put in carpet...weed through my stuff and toss what needs to be thrown away.  Go through my closet...give to Good Will what I don't need.

Put the condo on the market.  So much to do...and sometimes I feel overwhelmed as I think about it.  But it must be done...and thank God Tina is here to help me.  It makes it all seem easier somehow.

 

It seems strange to be leaving my beloved mountains...Colorado has been my home for so long.  Here in Colorado, I met Michael...married him...and here is where Michael died.  So much of me is in Colorado...and I am going to leave a great part of my life behind as I move on ...with life.  Move to Florida...where my son Don and Lisa and the grandkids await me.  In the corner of my mind...I will carry my memories with me...safely tucked away...where I can cherish them on moments such as this.

 

Life goes on...and I have so much life in me yet to live... and so I live and laugh and love each moment as tho there is no tomorrow...

 

With that in mind...I shall sleep ...gentle into the night go I....

 

"Good night Michael.  Until we meet again..."