"Leaving on the Next Plane..Don't know when I'll be back again...."   ahhhhhh the song is singing in my mind.  Tomorrow morning Don, My son, is taking me to the airport for a much-needed "time for relaxation" trip....am going to be spending a week with my daughter Debby and Troy and my little Jordan.  My bags are packed...I am ready.  I took little Cleo Cat to the vet to be boarded during the time I am away...she of course gave me the "evil eye"...poor little sweet cat...she hates being boarded...but I insisted that she get a "window" cage, and the vet clinic dutifully placed her by the window so that she can see out and watch the birds that fly to the trees outside the clinic. 

 

I am ready heart and soul to take this trip.  I made my phone calls to the rest of my family tonight..and tomorrow morning I am off...my little Jordan awaits.  I am to attend her first piano recital on Sunday (I cannot wait!!) ....and she has a swim meet on Saturday...should be some fun in the sun.  I will see my beloved mountains once again...those wise old sages....and let my soul become "centered"...as I always manage to do when I am in the mountains.

 

I am also looking forward to visiting the facility where I used to work...see Doc and all my friends..and especially go hug my 475 teenage boys at the facility....

 

I spent Memorial Day yesterday at Don and Lisa's...we ate outside on their patio and grilled hamburgers and enjoyed the sunshine...little Katie and Micah washed my Subaru and detailed it inside and out (what a great gift to their Grammy)...I watched Katie and Alec swim like little dolphins in their swimming pool and enjoyed wonderful conversation with my son Don and sweet Lisa.  Don gave me his microsoft publisher to install on my computer (which I did today).  I was thrilled as, Sheila, my niece had given me cd copies of my brother Larry's book and I needed Publisher software to open the book.  Today I was able to view the book....excitement literally filled my mind as I found the McEwen geneology Ancestry tree in the book.  Sheila, my dear one, THANK YOU from my heart...from my soul...from my very being...fot giving me this beautiful gift of Larry's book...this gift will go on and on throughout my family as I plan to not only print out the book..but also make copies for my three children and grandchildren as well as my two sister's children so that they may also have the family book for ages to come....this project will keep me busy for the next few months as I want to have it ready by Christmas for my family.  This gift is priceless...a treasure beyond any words that I can write...it is part of my brother that I can share with my loved ones.

 

I am off to bed to sleep gentle...Morning will be here before I know it..and I will be flying to Colorado...I will be back in a week my friends..my family...my love is with each of you.....

 

May It Be...

 

 

 

 

 

A few months after the loss of my Mother, a friend sent me a book...it was "Embraced by the Light" by Betty Eadie.  I read the book and found much comfort in the "near-death" experience that Betty Eadie had written about.  A few years later, while working in ICU at  Fitzsimons Army Medical Center in Colorado, I spoke with a young pediatrician who was in the ICU.  He had experienced a near-death experience during a full cardiac arrest.  He said, "It was a beautiful Light and I felt peace and full of love.  I didn't want to come back."  A week later, he had another cardiac arrest and this time he did not come back.  I remembered his words and I thought to myself that he had gone on to the Light.

 

Embraced by the Light

By Betty Eadie

 

A quote from the book as follows:

 

"On November 18, 1973, Betty Eadie died from complications due to a partial-hysterectomy surgery. After being restored to life, Betty suffered with depression - so painful was her separation from the light of love she experienced during her moments of clinical death. Twenty years later, after sharing her story with family and friends, and with critically ill cancer patients, Betty was urged to write her experience so that a wider audience might share its beauty. In 1992, Embraced by the Light was published by a small press out of Carson City, Nevada. Embraced became a permanent fixture on the New York Times Bestsellers list, spending more than a year at number one."

The book gave me comfort after the death of my parents.  I read it again after I lost my Michael...and once again the book gave me the spiritual faith to know without question that there is life after death.   It helped me to go on...it brought a healing to my heart and my soul...and Today I found  Betty Eadie's book "Embraced by the Light" carefully packed in a box from my move from Colorado to Florida.    I sat in my chair on the Lanai and sipped ice tea while I   began reading it once more....The comfort that can be found within the pages of Betty's book for those of us who have lost a loved one leaves me at a loss for words.  I can only say that it brought me the gift of sweet peace within my heart.  

For those of you who are experiencing grief of the loss of a loved one, if you get a chance, I strongly urge you to read Betty's book.  May it bring to you the gentle healing...the soul peace that I have found.

May it Be...  

 

 

I awoke this morning to the beautiful Florida Sunshine.  I sipped coffee on my lanai procrastinating within my mind whether I would go to church this morning or stay home and relax.  I kept glancing at my watch as the time grew closer to church, and finally at the very last moment, the debate still going strong in my mind as to whether I would go to this morning service or stay home ....I left the lanai and dressed for church. 

I attended the same church as I had last Sunday...the drive less than five minutes from where I live.  The familiar scent of burning candles and wood polish filled the air as I entered.  I knelt in prayer and allowed the sweet peace of God's love fill my soul.  Since returning from Nebraska from my brother's funeral and my visit with my family, I have begun my return home to my roots in a spiritual sense.  As a child, I grew up attending the Lutheran church in Ong, Nebraska.   I was baptized, confirmed there and as I grew older, and less wiser, I left the church...I left my roots behind and I flexed my wings and I flew from the security of the Nest.  The last few months before my brother passed away, he and I spent long conversations about Life...about Roots....about Spirituality.   When I attended my brother's funeral at St. Paul Lutheran Church in Hastings, Ne (his church....my family's church)....I felt the need for my spirit to return to my roots.  Since returning to Florida, I have been more aware of my spirituality....more aware of my need to reach out to God above...And so full circle I have returned to God.

 

May it Be.

 

Well Dearest Friends and Family...I have attached some pictures of my home here in Florida...,living room, dining room, ...my bedroom is the one with white quilt bedspread.   I absolutely love it here....One of the pictures is a picture that is hanging in my bathroom...(My favorite picture).   The Flat Stanley pictures are a school project that little Jordan participated in..she sent me Flat Stanley who came to visit my home for two weeks...I took pictures of Flat Stanley with Cleo..etc...so you will also see a few pics with Flat Stanley (such as sitting in my favorite patio chair on the Lanai (smiling).... 

Love to all of you.....Sandra

 

 

 

There In The Breathless Moment

 

When Time suddenly stands still

And the stars fall from the sky

There in the breathless moment...

I find you

 

When the sun kisses the earth

And the Ocean breeze stills

There in the breathless moment...

I find you

 

The Longing within begins

And my heart and soul become one

There in the breathless moment...

I find you

 

Timeless our hearts entwine

Imprinted forever upon my soul

There in the breathless moment...

I find you

 

Copywrite May 2007

Sandra McEwen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lonely Walk

 

When one is grieving, it is a lonely walk.

I have taken this walk before.  Each time Death had come as a thief in the Night...and a loved one had been taken from me.    Grief is not on a schedule...it comes as it chooses...unbidden...as I walk the lonely walk.   Those of us who grieve have no choice but to walk the lonely walk...sorting out our thoughts...waiting for the healing time.

 

Today, Sheila, my brother's daughter, called me.  She is on the Lonely walk.  She had come to visit my blog site, and pain and grief as thick as the snow that blankets the Colorado mountains in the winter, filled her voice.  We talked.  This child-woman, a mother of several children herself, yet...through the grief of the loss of her father, she felt lost...a child without a parent.  We talked long...speaking about her relationship with her father that had been a complicated one.  I understood.  My brother who had lived life with such passion, could evoke feelings of love, pain, anger, frustration...especially within those he loved, and who loved him.  I understood this and  I also understood the total necessity of the need for  forgiveness.  Sheila had forgiven her father, just as we all who loved Larry had forgiven him for the harsh moments, the words of anger...the times when he needed to be understood the most  and we had misunderstood him.  She spoke of her  need for an emotional  break from his anger, and she had felt at the time that she had no choice but to retreat within and stay away from him, hoping beyond hope that he would STOP being angry, and allow her...allow all of us who loved him...to help him.  But you see, my brother, was a proud man...this tall oak tree who had withstood many harsh winds in Life...who now, in his last days...had become broken...bent...against the cold wind of Life and now he had reached the time that he was unable to care for himself.   The pain within her was all encompassing...choking her heart...clouding her soul  as she reflected back and  understood her father...perhaps understanding him in death more profoundly than during his life.   

  I had gone through this after Michael had passed.  I had experienced the same type of complicated relationship with my husband that Sheila had experienced with her father.   As I  walked the Lonely Walk after Michael was gone, I found that I had forgiven him, but I came to realize that I had  not forgiven myself...I had not forgiven myself for all the anger that I had once felt toward him....I had not forgiven myself for not being with him (but rather I had been at work) the day Michael died.  I was tortured for a long time after, that he had died alone.  I eventually came to realize, that Michael wanted it this way...and in realizing this, I finally could forgive myself.   I had not forgiven myself for loving him...disliking him...wanting him...needing him...and rejecting him at times when he needed me while he was alive.   Again, in realizing this...I found the way to forgive myself.     Ahhhhh this Lonely Walk...that complicated relationships and death seems to create for us, after our loved one has gone.   What could I say to Sheila to make this Lonely Walk easier for her?  I realized, sadly, that no words can truly help her...there is no "magic wand" to wave to erase the pain...only Time...Time will bring the healing that is needed...the self-forgiveness that is necessary...as she walks The Lonely Walk.  

Sheila, dearest niece of my heart, if you read this...know how I love you so dearly.  I am holding your hand as we walk The Lonely Walk together.

 

 

 

Henny and her new babies out for a swim 

 

I had originally thought Henny had four babies when I first saw them.  Not so...Henny had a big brood of little Ducklings in April.

 

 

 

 The Family Outing... Henny and Penny with their family of Ducklings...

 

 

I am not certain if Henny and Penny share caring for their babies or not...I first saw Henny with four ducklings....then a few days later I saw her with eight....and then Penny arrived on the scene (in April) swimming with Henny on a family outing...  I am clueless as to how many Penny and Henny each have...near as I can count there are 13 ducklings at present.

 

 

 

 

 

The Ducklings are growing quickly!!!

 

It hasn't taken long for Henny and Penny's  babies to get their feathers.  They are so very cute.  I love to watch them from the Lanai.  Every morning I feed Henny, and Penny  and Big Daddy and Little Man cracked corn by the Magnolia tree.  I was so surprised when I returned home from Nebraska.  The following morning I walked outside and the Muscovy Ducks along with the babies came running up to me.  They had missed me feeding them for a week while I was away.  I jumped into the car and made a quick trip to the grocery store where I bought some cracked corn and brought it home.  I loved listening to their "huffing" sounds as they eagerly ate the corn.   I think I am the neighborhood's "Mother Nature" (laughing).  Spring is such a delight watching the rebirth of Life.

 

The Gift

 

 

I am to be a Great-Grandmother!!!  I listened as my son Dan spoke softly into the phone.  Josh and Megan are expecting a baby in December.  Dan spoke of how young Josh and Megan are and I smiled.  Josh and Megan are 19 years old, newly married.  Josh is in the military.  Dan's voice, filled with concern, spoke with the wisdom of one who has married young and felt the burdon of becoming a parent in his youth.  He spoke about the worries of a young couple just starting out...  His voice ticked off methodically and logically the prudence of waiting to start a family when they are more mature...on their feet financially.   He is right...I know that...but then...I also knew one important aspect that had not been said... 

"This little Life is supposed to be."  I reminded Dan...it is pure and simple I thought..."This baby has a reason...a purpose...and it is your grandchild...my great-grandchild that is going to be born!"  He laughed,..."yes, I am going to be a grandfather!"   We laughed together...our hearts uplifted.  "Josh and Megan are estatic about the baby!"  Dan said.  We laughed again, allowing the joy to fill our hearts. 

When I hung up the phone, I felt the joy of "Life" stir within my heart.  I am to be a great-grandmother.  I smiled as I began to make plans. 

I drove to Michael's and browsed the yarn section of the store until I found what I wanted to purchase.  Last night as I sat quietly on the Lanai listening to the Life singing all about me...I began crocheting a baby blanket.   I hummed softly as I crocheted the soft yarn into the beginnings of a blanket that will warm my little great-grandchild on cold winter nights. 

 

Isn't Life truly amazing?  For each Life that has lived it's Time here on earth and leaves those of us behind...a new Life is born.  A star sparkled brightly in the sky as I looked up.  I felt peace within me...filling my senses.  "Everything is as it should Be" I thought...

My loved ones who have gone on before me have sent a gift...my great grandchild.

 

My daughter-in-law Lisa flew home to Colorado to spend a few days with her Mother, so I spent Thursday and Friday at Don and Lisa's house to watch my grandkids when they arrived home from school until Don came home from work.  It was great.  I needed their laughter...their particular type of love that simply fills my soul.  It was good ....probably I was the one who received the most good from being around them, as children seem to be like little chamelions...they adapt to their surroundings without difficulty and they manage to survive...altho with love, they seem to flourish, as did my soul. 

 

I felt myself returning to Life once again.  I visited with the children and we ate, watched tv and I spent a lovely evening out on Don's lanai near the pool visiting with my son.  It was what I wanted...what I needed, and I soaked all up like a sponge.  I returned home to Cleo Cat Friday evening.  She sat on my lap purring and I became conscious of simple pleasures once again.  I slept hard Friday night.

 

Saturday morning I went to meet with my Weight Counselor at Jenny Craig.  I was hesitant to get on the scale.  I had not been able to continue the Jenny Craig food while in Nebraska and I was worried that I might have a weight gain.  I gained only 1/2 lb.  This is not bad considering it could have been a total disaster as I have been able to gain weight at the blink of an eye.   I was thankful for only the half-pound gain and I sighed a sense of relief.  It had been actually two weeks since I had been able to weigh in...so 1/2 lb. gain was not bad at all.  I felt my spirit rise as I purchased my food and headed home.   I hadn't eaten anything yet, so Saturday I was anxious to begin again.  After arriving home, I settled down for a cup of coffee and my Jenny Craig breakfast for the day.  I am relieved to be back on my weight program...it makes me feel more energetic and I feel that even though it has only been five weeks since I started on the program, I am on my way to a new healthier me...  This is what I want.  This is what I need.  And this is what I am going to do....Amen.

 

Today, Sunday was a gorgeous day.  I awoke with a yearning within me to go to church.  I heard the church bells in the distant as I drank my coffee on the Lanai.  I sat procrastinating for a bit and then gave into my longing.  It has been a long time since I have gone to church.  Although I am spiritual, I am not particularly religious.  However, being home and attending my brother Larry's funeral awakened a need within me to return to church.  So, I took my last sip of coffee and headed for my closet.  A few minutes later, I was nicely dressed and ready.  I drove to the Episcopal church which is closest to my home.  I mentally calculated as I drove that it has been several years since I have attended a church service on Sunday.  I felt a bit of a stranger as I walked inside the church...both from the standpoint that it had been a long time since attending church, and also the fact that I was new to this congregation.    The scent of candles and polished wood washed over me as I sat down.  Everyone in this little church obviously knew one another.  I watched their eyes meet...their smiles on their faces as they greeted one another.  The attendance was comfortable...not overly crowded...each row filled with entire families, young couples, children with their parents, Grandparents.    The music began softly and I recognized the hymn from another time in my life.  I picked up the hymnal and began to sing. 

The sermon touched my heart.  Father Joe spoke of a man from Colorado whom he had met a week ago in Illinois when he was there visiting his children for his grandchild's baptism.  This man that he met, had spoken of coming home to see his brother who he had not spoken to or seen for forty years.  These two brothers had a "falling out" and over the past years, they simply did not contact one another.  The past year, the man's brother who lived in  Illinois had become ill, and they finally began talking to one another on the phone.  At last the man from Colorado had come home to Illinois to visit his brother.  I felt my heart flutter  within me.  Although my family had continued to communicate with one another, none the less, the past few months I had spent more time on the phone speaking with my brother Larry.  We had grown so close ...Larry and I.  We had laughed...we had cried...and we had long, beautiful conversations from the heart...each of us speaking of our dreams...our thoughts...our wishes...our needs...and our love for one another.  I connected with this man that had come to visit his brother after such a long abstinance from him.  I knew what he must feel.  I felt the tears begin to fall as the sermon ended, and the Communion or Holy Eucharist began.  I had not partook of the Holy Eucharist for many years.  I spiritually had longed for this moment...this connection with celebrating the Last Supper.  I knelt and waited until my row stood and began walking toward the altar.  I moved quietly with them...and then knelt before the Altar.  My tears flowed as I knelt in the Sanctuary...my heart filling with God's love and forgiveness.  After the service ended, I left and came home. 

I had a new sense of peace within me.  I slipped out of my dress and into my comfy shirt and shorts.  I sat on the Lanai, watching my ducks as they came to the Magnolia tree where I had spread cracked corn for them to eat.  The sunshine filtered through the leaves of the Magnolia tree and then I noticed...The first beautiful Magnolia Blossom on the tree.  I walked outside to the tree and smelled the flower...it was wonderful...beyond my imagination.  My first Magnolia Flower that I have ever smelled.  What a gift I thought...I stood for a long time inhaling the perfume from this tree, and then I returned to the Lanai. 

 

My heart is healing...I feel it.  Just as my brother would want.  Just as my Michael would want.  Just as my parents would want.   And then I remembered the song that Larry had written down that he wanted played at his funeral.  Sheila, his daughter had found his instructions carefully labled  in a file all ready for the day when his Time had ended on this earth.  The song was..."What  a Wonderful World".   This song played at Larry's funeral as he had wanted.    I walked inside and put the song on my stereo and sat on the Lanai listening to it...  

 

What a Wonderful World.    You know, if you just look for the good stuff in Life...you find it.  It's there. 

 

 

 

Golden Light

 

My mind is whirling as I find the need to write...allowing the healing that needs to come...allowing it to  begin within.

 I generally find myself drawn to writing when my heart, my mind, my body, my soul is feeling the red hot pain.

Rarely do I seem to need to write when I am fulfilled, peace enveloping me within its cocoon.

This  time of loss has brought the red hot pain...although I am striving to rise above it.

I have always known death in one way or another.  Like all of us, we experience it in a loss of something we love.

Silently death enters our life, shadowing the sunlight...and tears like rain pour forth from a broken heart.

I have found myself grieving for everyone whom I have loved deeply who have slipped quietly away into the dim shadows.

Grief like a sharp sword, tearing me asunder, as I remember....

Remember my parents...

Remember my Michael...

Remember my brother...

Remember my beloved pets...

 

My mind reminds me how Time will dry my tears...the red hot pain receeding once again...

Into the special secret place reserved within my heart.

Sweetly the Golden LIght of Life will bathe me...

Restoring my mind...

Restoring my heart...

Restoring my body...

Restoring my soul.

I long for the peace to return...the Love of Life to quicken my heart- like Spring -renewing within me.

 

I know that this is the passage of Grief that I must travel.

I silently cry within as I await the Balance that will come.

This is a lonely road that we all travel

As we live...love...and ultimately suffer Loss...

Awaiting the Golden Light of Peace to return.

 

 

 

May It Be...

 

 

 

 

Redemption

 

When  profound sadness wracks my Being

And  Loss permeates my soul...

Soft wings embrace my broken Spirit

Healing me with Love.

 

Sandra McEwen copywrite 2007

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stairway To Heaven

 

I imagine the stairway to Heaven exactly as this ...

I have watched my loved ones ascend quietly and still

Their eyes shining with a new Light...

As they climb each step.

 

My Father Gerald was first to ascend

I was carefully held within my Mother's womb

As he began his ascent.

His eyes shining with a new Light...

As he climbed each step.

 

My Second Father Wilbur was second to ascend

My Dad who I loved so dearly

As he began his ascent.

His eyes shining with a new Light...

As he climbed each step.

 

My Mother Marie was third to ascend

She sweetly kissed my lips

As she began her ascent.

Her eyes shining with a new Light...

As she climbed each step.

 

My Beloved Michael was fourth to ascend

He carried my heart

As he began his ascent.

His eyes shining with a new Light...

As he climbed each step.

 

My brother Larry was fifth to ascend

His voice whispering to my soul

As he began his ascent.

His eyes shining with a new Light...

As he climbed each step.

 

Along the way they were all met

By the Ancient Men - Max and Buddy,

 Dearest  Heidi, Gretchen and  CC Bird

All my  beloved pets

Their eyes shining with a new Light...

As they led the way up each step.

 

Someday when it is my time

I shall Kiss my children

Cradle my grandchildren

 I will whisper to their soul...

As I begin my ascent

My eyes shining with a new Light...

As I climb each step.

 

Sandra E. McEwen

copywrite 2007

 

 

 

 Larry Burdette McEwen, my brother departed this earth on May 4, 2007. 

The past three months, Larry and I talked daily on the phone, and often we would

converse for hours.  The last month of his life, we spoke to one another several times

a day on the phone.  Larry was living in Nebraska, and I in Florida,  and our phone conversations

linked us eternally to one another.  We spoke from our hearts...we laughed together, we cried

together, and in his last days, we were in pain together.

 

In honor of my brother, I present to you, Larry B. McEwen.

Larry Burdette McEwen, 72, retired English and theater arts educator, author; born in Clay Center,

Nebraska Aug. 4, 1934 to Gerald E. and Marie L. (Pennington) McEwen.  Larry was in the U.S.

Air Force 1951-1952.  He married JoAnne in 1956 and later divorced.  Larry referred to JoAnne

as his "true love" and I do believe it was so.  Larry earned a BS in education 1962 Augustana

College, Rock Island IL.  He taught English and theater arts at J.D. Darnall Sr High School, Geneseo,

IL. from 1962-68.  Larry received his MS at Illinois State University 1968 and was Professor of theater

Arts Blackburn College, Carlinville, IL 1969-1975.  He was counselor for NE Dept of Education,

Division of Vocational Rehab in Lincoln NE 1976-1982.  He was an English teacher at Hastings

Senior High School, 1983-1992 in Hastings, NE.  He was Guest Lecturer at Mt. Senario College

Ladysmith WI in 1971;  Knox College, Galesburg, IL 1974 and Hastings College, Hastings, NE

in 1976.

Larry was an Author of "Much Ado About Shakespeare" 1992,  "Goose and Fables" 1994,

"To Honor Our Fathers and Mothers" 1997.

Author Apple Software; Director of 63 theatrical productions;  Author of 7 One-act plays.  He

contributed numerous articles to professional publications.   He was a Civic Awards-Graduate

Fellowship of Indiana University 1968-1969; Quad-City Music Guild Scholarship 1961-1962. 

 

Larry was a member of Academic Computers in English, National Council of Teachers in English,

Alpha-Psi Omega and Alpha Phi Omega educational fraternities.

 

This remarkable man, my brother, was a husband, father and brother during his time on this earth.

He was the father of two daughters, Diana and Sheila and a Grandfather of 13 grandchildren.

 

One of his poems that he wrote and copywrote 1997 is  as follows:

 

Still

 

We two are a multitude!

We walked the ships across the great water into America.

We walked to places unknown by those in the countries of our births.

Now, near half a world away we rest here.

Still.  Still.

 

We had a few still times in our lives.

 

"George, you know, buried two wives."

"Yes, and Sarey buried two hubands.

(I let her catch up with me by dying first, you know.)"

 

When we first came to this place, we walked.

Walked from Beatrice in Nebraska to the homesteads in Kansas.

Walked in the stillness of the singing of the wind on the grass.

Walked and felt the ache of legs pulling up the hills.  Still.  Still.

Walked from Beatrice to Kansas and returned

Many, many times.  Still feeling the land,

Still hearing the wind, the meadowlark in day, the coyote and owl in night.

Still.

Still returning, oh so many trips, to sell, to buy, still walking with wagon full.

Like our lives were full.

Full of laughter, tears, hope, dreams, regrets, pains, loves, - all songs sung and heard.

To touch when sorrows and pain dim the lights of another soul,

And feel that touch returned when dying seemed the way to go.

All these things- The Stuff of Life.  Our lives.  Your lives.  Still.

 

You! Feel the same wind which caressed our senses.  Our Wind.  Still, still moving.

Still.  Still ours.  Still yours.  Still.

Still we are here.  Still doing our work in the Earth.  Different work.  Still Earth.

Becoming our part of Eternity both above and below-

The Stillness here, working, working Still.

And in you above our blood pumps still.  Still.

Still rushing in the hours of the days, the moons of the years.  Still.

Still singing, still being, still moving, still pulling, still pushing,

Still stretching, still reaching, still loving in Eternity.

We two are a multitude still.  Still walking on the Earth.

 

Still.

 

Larry Burdette McEwen, August 4, 1934 - May 4, 2007.

 

 

I love you Larry, my brother of my heart.