Memorial Day 2006

 

 

 

The Memorial Day Holiday weekend  is almost over.  Each of us has observed it in our own way.  Many find the three-day weekend a time for family ...a time to enjoy one another's company.  It has been a relaxing one for me.  I stayed close to home...a couple of trips to the mall to do some necessary shopping to prepare for the coming week.  Other than that, I find myself in a quiet reflective mood as I remember what Memorial Day is for me and for many.

 

Memorial Day is the day of remembrance..a day of honor and dignity that we give to those who have lost their lives and gone on to the Great Beyond.  My sister Geraldine always makes the trip to the little country cemetary where our parents are laid to rest and she places flowers upon their graves.  My spirit travels to that little country side cemetary where a white country church sits secluded in the midst of the cemetary...I walk beside my sister and place yellow roses at their graves.

 

 This church symbolizes the faith that I  grew up with...simple values learned on the farm where I  lived with my parents and siblings.  These values have stayed with me throughout my life..nourishing my heart..my soul through good times and the bad.  These are the values that I have given to my children who in turn have taught to my grandchildren.  The simple values of loving one another...respecting one another....trusting one another...and cherishing family.

 

These are the  same values that America was founded upon...the values that each of us have today because of those who have fought for our freedom throughout the ages. 

 

Today our sons and our daughters in the military continue to fight for a great value of America....Freedom.  My prayers for their safe return to home soil  flutters upon the wind to the Heaven above....and to those who have sacrificed their lives for the values they hold dear....May we honor them today and every day in our heart and in our soul.  May we never forget the true meaning of Memorial Day.

 

May It Be.

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight the thunder is rolling  across the mountains...rain falling softly outside as I write this.  I love nights filled with thunder and lightning and the sound of rain as it falls upon the grass...the sweet clean smell as it wafts through my bedroom window.

 

I feel peaceful tonight.  I am feeling well...my energy returning.  I look forward to the rest of this year...Colorado nights like tonight...a good book to read as I tuck the afghan around me...  I call these moments my "treasures"...moments of sweet peace....The cat Cleo lies on my lap.  She has turned out to be such a good little pet.  She is very different from the Ancient Men...her personality a bit more aloof.  Yet she obviously adores me.  When I returned home from the hospital, her pleasure at seeing me as she greeted me at the door was a delight.  She has since stayed very close to me these past few days.  Cats are generally such independent little creatures...so her signs of affection pleases me.  She purrs contentedly and licks my hand ...little kisses of appreciation.  I am very glad she has come to live with me.  I credited myself with adopting her...now I realize that it is she who has adopted me from the very beginning.

 

I had a wonderful conversation with my daughter Debby today.  She said something that was music to my ears.  In our conversation she said,  "My Mother's Day Card didn't tell you the one thing that I have discovered Mom."   I said,  "what is that Deb?"   She said,  "I really miss you when you are away from me...when you are on vacation or visiting the boys,  I miss you terribly.  I miss talking to you."  "I am able to talk to you and tell you my feelings, and Mom, I am glad you are here in my life."

I felt the tears fill my eyes and slowly trickle down my cheek as I smiled.  All mothers want to hear these words from their children.  My boys are very open and talk to me and tell me of their love for me.  My daughter, generally is so busy...her life filled with her husband and Jordan.  But today...out of the blue...the words were spoken...and my heart leapt to her words...sweetly savoring the bond between Mother and daughter.

 

So tonight in the quiet of the night..as the Thunder rolls and the lightning streaks across the Denver sky...I smile....

 

For "Everything is as it should Be!" on a Night Such as This.

 

 

Friday

  A Cold, impersonal world awaited me as I entered the cardiac cath lab.  I, a nurse, who had worked for countless years in the coronary intensive care unit, familiar with every aspect of the hospital world, found myself amazed at the impersonal cold atmosphere that I had just entered.  The walls..the ceilings were white...sterile and unadorned.  Stainless steel machines littered the procedure room....from each corner.  The table where I lay sat squarely in the middle of the room.  Elevated waist high, I had climbed upon the table, with the help of a foot stool.  I lay upon my back...a tiny towel draped over my wist... upon this Altar as a virgin maiden awaiting sacrifice to the Aztec Gods.

 

Why hadn't I ever observed this before?  How  many patients over my nursing career had I helped place on a gurney and transported them to the cath lab...Had they seen this new strange world?  And why hadn't I seen this part of the universe?  I was seeing  all of this for the first time...as my many patients had seen before me.

 

The temperature was cold..I felt goosebumps over my body...the lights harsh and bright upon my pale skin as the lab personel stripped the towel  from my body.  I was lying naked on a hard flat catheter table.  Above me loomed the monitors and the imaging heart catheterization marchine ...the cables, like tentacles from an alien creature flowed from the monitors around my table.  I lay like an injured bird, trapped and unable to fly..at the mercy of my predators. 

I listened to the diistant sound of an  electric shaver as my hair was shaved from my right groin...the cold wash of betadine was poured over my skin.  I lay silently upon the table, awaiting the procedure with growing trepidation within me. 

My nurse mind assured me...I knew what to expect.  I should not fear.  I was in good hands.

...My emotional mind  however was sounding the trumpet to retreat....run for the hills...flee from this Alien planet that I had entered.... 

 

Surgical sterile draping was placed over my exposed skin...I was grateful for the covering.

 

An analytical voice reached my ears...it was my cardiologist.  He explained briefly the procedure..after all, I have gone through this Feb. 1st. of this year.  I was no stranger to what was to happen.  Yet, I felt as tho I was experiencing all of this for the first time.  I felt a slight pressure in my groin...a pricking of needles, as the surgical scapal slit neatly the incision for the placement of the cardiac catheter.  I felt my warm blood trickle down my groin..wetting my skin.

I could hear my heart beat beeping  from one of the heart monitors.  I watched the EKG tracing of my heart as it skipped across the screen.  The pattern was my usual...a few PVC's ..the left bundle branch block ...my nurse mind observed from afar as the procedure began.  My heart beat was slow....steady....I watched it with the medical observation of a nurse's intellect.

I could feel (not pain) but a strange threading sensation...it was the catheter moving through my artery into my heart...as tho a snake was slithering effortlessly within me....

 

The cardiologist spoke.."Your stent in the right coronary artery is wide open."  This was good news.  My stent had not blocked.  But then, I didn't expect it to.  I had the new drug delivering stent that was to prevent restenosis..it was doing exactly that. 

 

 His voice spoke again, "You have four blockages in a row here..small blockages ranging from 65% to 90% and its opening fine with the balloon, but I am still going to put in a stent to keep it open." 

 

Another stent in my Right Coronary Artery.  Silence and then I heard him speak.  "Give her one miligram of Versed."  The lab nurse entered my vision from my side...he injected my IV line with a syringe of clear liquid.

 

My mind retreated...the trumpet had been sounded...and then my soul took flight from this alien world.  Moments in time lost....Versed does that.... your mind blocking the present....lost forever from your memory.

 

 

The procedure ended.  I listened to the Cardiologist.  He was pleased.  The procedure had gone well.  It was finished now.  The damage that had been done to my heart from my heart attacks is as it was then..no change...the damage for the most part irreversible. 

 

The blockages were open now...my two stents in place like sentinal guards standing at attention...protecting my arteries from further blockage. 

 

"There would be no change in medication dosage at this time." ..his voice continued...

"You still have left sided diffuse blockages, no surgical intervention can be done for that..."  His voice droned on...." The shortness of breath..the fatigue...this is from congestive heart failure...from pulmonary hypertension.....you need to see the pulmonoligst....see your nephrolgist next week...see me next week...."

 

The "Ologist" list was complete....I was being sent back to my hospital bed to recover...eight hours while the femoral artery clamp was in place....then I would finally be off bedrest after that....

 

My back was killing me....hospital beds have a way of doing that.  I laid for the next eight hours watching the clock slowly tick by..I could not move my right leg..I could not bend my knee..I could not simply move...I lay...my back in constant pain....a small price to pay for a procedure that essentially has once again extended my life expectancy.....I reminded myself this as I waited....and waited....the fem-stop digging mercilessly into my groin...the pressure mounting to an unbearable pain....I waited.   Two Darvocet-N 100 pain pills were given to me....slowly the pain receeded....  relief!

 

I wanted my soul to take flight once again...take me away from the present....let the memory of pain fade...let me rest....rest in the sweet warmth of my loved ones.....I closed my eyes....bidding the memories of a Time that Once Was to come to me.....

 

I found myself remembering a family picnic....my parents were there...my first husband Sterling and my inlaw-parents were there...we were laughing..as my three children ..all small babies....played in the green grass.  The smell of fried chicken and bisquits, the table heaped high with assorted foods.  I smiled....the warmth of the hot Nebraska  sun upon my skin...as I danced about the picnic table and lay down on a blanket in my husband's strong arms...His face close to mine as his lips caressed my cheek...youth sweet and precious...memory of another time...

 

 

Soul in Flight.....

 

I am home today...it is wonderful to be home....Cleo Cat was there by the door awaiting my return.  I could hear the soft chirping of my lovebirds Baby and Hootie.  The welcome was grand....I could relax.  Debby my daughter, Troy and Jordan waited a short time in the living room and then they were gone.  I locked the door...the silence was sweet.....It feels so good to be home.

 

I am sore..but happy.....it is over....my heart is beating within my breast...

 

The Shaman had shook the rattle...

 

I have children to love....

Grandchildren to watch grow...

My Life complete in my Autumn years....

 

So much awaits me....

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow morning I am being admitted to the hospital...

I Will undergo cardiac angioplasty on Friday around noon

And if all goes well....a few stents later...

I will be almost as good as new....

  

So I should be home from hospital

Saturday or Sunday...

Simply put...

I have things to do...

places to go....

Children to love....

Grandchildren to watch grow up....

 

And so my dear friends...

In a few days..I will have a tale to tell

Of the marvelous miracles of modern medicine

as I lay before the campfire

And as the drums beat into the night

 How my heart was healed from the Shaman's Dance!

 

 

Shake that rattle...

 

 

 

With One More Look At You

 

With one more look at you

I could learn to tame the clouds and let the sun shine through

Leave a troubled past and start anew

I'd solve the mysteries

If you are the prize

Refresh these tired eyes

With One more look at you.

 

With one more look at you...

I might overcome the anger

That I've learned to know

Find a peace of mind

I lost so long ago

Your gentle touch has made me strong again

And I'll be alive again

For when you look at me

I am everything I thought

That I dreamed I'd be

My spirit feels a promise

I won't be alone

We'll live and love forever...

 

 

With one more look at you

I 'd learn to change the stars

And change our fortunes too

I'd have the constellations paint your portrait too

So all the world might  share this wondrous sight

The world could end each night

With One more look at you

 

I want One more look at you.....

 

 

From: A Star is Born

 

 

 

 

 

Michael my dear One...

I feel most alone

on a day like today.

I am trying to be strong

And it seems so difficult

Without your arms around me...

Just to let me know

That "Everything is as it should be".

 

 

I feel the fraility of my soul

Vulnerable in this world

And I miss you...

Beyond any words that I can say...

 

And so I ask for just

One more look at you....

 

 

Just One more look at you...

 

 

 

 

 

Revelation 

 

 

 

 

I walked to the lake...

Like I have countless times

With the Ancient Men's Spirits

By my side

 

Looking toward Heaven

I awaited the Revelation

That would come

To calm the  storm within...

 

 

I stayed for a short time

Kneeling upon the Bank

The Ancient Men

By My Side

 

The Storm lifted

Clouds cleared away

Peace has come

To Accompany me home.

 

Copyright 2006 Sandra McEwen

 

 

 

 

May It Be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It Begins Again...

 

Thursday I had an appointment with my Nephrologist..just a checkup on my kidneys.  I waited in the waiting room "people watching" those who came in and sat down waiting just like me.  The door opened and the doctor always with a smile called my name and directed me back to an examining room.    I sat down, and the exam began...first a few questions..  Doctor:"How are you feeling?" 

Me: "Not bad!" 

Doctor: "I talked to the Cardiologist and you have had another heart attack I understand?"

Me:  "yes"

Doctor:  "He tells me that you still have blockages in your right coronary artery that can be fixed." 

Me:  with surprise on my face:  "Gee, I didn't know this. I knew I had an obstruction of about 60% or so of the Obtuse Marginal branch and I knew I had diffuse blockages on the Left...but didn't know about still having blockages of my RCA!"

Doctor:  "Have you had any chest pain since four weeks ago when you had your second heart attack?"

Me:  "Yes..but hey..nothing big..just a little dull pressure in my chest sometimes when I am walking...occasionally at rest..nothing worrysome..a little rest..it goes away."

Doctor looking up ..his eyes staring into mine:  "When was your last chest pain?"

Me:  Looking down at my hands folded in my lap:  "yesterday...once when I was walking in the clinic..I sat down at my desk..it went away.  I felt tired, so I took my lunch break and laid down in the EMT bedroom..fell asleep..upon awakening, had a momentary dull pressure in my chest..but it went away.  I laid there a few minutes more..it was gone.  Didn't have to take any Nitro to stop the pain....so figure I am doing ok!"

I looked up hopeful.

He said without a smile:  "time to do an EKG". 

He walked out and came back in with the EKG machine.  I laid on the table..my scrub top and uniform pant exchanged for a patient gown. 

The EKG was done.

Doctor:  "I am taking this up to the cardiologist's office for a comparison...you can dress and I will be right back."

Me:  "I am doing fine honestly!"  My words lost on him as he hurried out the door.

A few minutes later:

Doctor entered room:  "You have some subtle changes on your EKG from the last one taken a month ago."

Me:  "Shit!"

Doctor eyeing my scrub uniform:  "You headed for work today?"

Me:  "yes..after I leave here."

Doctor:  "I am calling the cardiologist..he is in the cath lab..we are going to have a conversation about you..I will put him on speaker phone."

He sat and dialed..and a few seconds passed..before the cath lab answered.  He requested to speak directly to my cardiologist.

The conversation began between two doctors...I sat listening to the conversation on his speaker phone.

Cardiologist:  "Sandra..here's the deal.  I don't want you to wait till next Thursday for your appointment with me.  I am debating whether to admit you today."

Me:  "If you don't have to...don't!  Its Mother's Day weekend!"

Cardiologist:  "Ok..you are not to work...go home..rest..I want your blood pressure down.  Take an extra Lopressor when you get home....want you to take the dosage three times a day instead of twice ok?"

Me:  "Ok..will do."

Cardiologist:  "I will call you at home when I get out of cath lab.  You rest!!!!  If you have any pain ...ANY PAIN whatsoever..You are to call the ambulance and go directly to the hospital ER OK?  NO DRIVING TO THE HOSPITAL!" 

Me:  Feeling chastized:  "OK"  (after all..the cardiologist was remembering me driving myself to the ER when I had my heart attack)

Click....

Nephrologist Doc:  "Sandra..I will be seeing you in the hospital...he is going to admit you probably sometime next week for the angioplasty...you will be going back to the Cath lab."

Me:  "what about my kidneys?"

Doc:  "We'll do the work up on your kidneys..IV's and medications to protect your kidneys from the dye that you will get in the cath lab...now go straight home..you are to REST...no work...

Me:  "You want to write an excuse for my work?"

Doc:  "Yep..then go home..if ANY pain..I don't care how little..you go directly nonstop to hospital ok?"

Me;  "ok"

I drove home...confusing feelings of worry..fear..all of it swirling in my mind.  I called my work when I walked in the door..talked  to the clinic Doc..then to the MA..then to the PA...told them the story...explained I would not be in to work until cleared by Cardiology on Monday.  Hung up.

An hour later:  phone rang: 

Cardiologist:  "Sandra..I am out of cath lab.  Here's the deal (I laughed...it was the "deal" again)..."I want to see you Monday at 3PM in my Porter office..not the Parker one you are used to coming to."

I got the address..wrote down the time...confirmed I would be there.

Cardiologist:  "I will check you over Monday...then we will talk...probably a heart cath..Angioplasty Sandra..need to look in your heart and get the blockages that I can fix...fixed...those I can't...well, we'll talk about that then."

Me:  "Sounds like a plan!"

Cardiologist:  "AGAIN..IF Pain...go to ER...I will admit you..we'll do the heart cath right away...if not...see you Monday..we'll figure it all out ok?"

Me:  "ok"

Hung up phone and felt a calm come over me.  Hey...the truth is...if they can fix some of the blockages..it is time to do just that.  The blockages they can't fix..I am no worse off than I have been....medications to take care of the blockages they can't fix.....there it is..all in a nutshell.

I sat down..called my work...told them I would know more after 3PM Monday...until then..I would work from home.  They could fax me any referrals..I could do the paper work from my home.  The Plan was laid out.

I hung up and sat down at computer and emailed the boys...they needed to know what was going on.  Then i called my daughter and we talked and I explained to her that an imminent hospitalization would be in the near future..next week..perhaps the week after...it all depends on Monday and the Cardiologist...and my Heart.

 

It Begins Again....its ok....I am fine.

I arranged for the pet sitter to watch Cleo the Cat and feed the birds....things are taken care of.  I am going to relax.  Mother's Day this weekend.  I am going to enjoy my time with my daughter...and with Lisa's family...

Mother's Day...I am going to make sure I am around for more Mother's Days in the future...pure and simple...

My Heart is in the hands of the experts....

I do what they say.

I pray.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am at the crossroads of my Life...

I seek Balance...

Yet I feel myself teetering

Between the pull of the Past

And the fear of the Future.

 

Then...a calm builds within my soul...

And I realize...

For It is in the Present

That I will find Balance

Not in the Past...

Nor in the Future...

But in Today!

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the Past has brought me

To Today...

And my Future will simply Be...

But Today is where I am!

 

Life in Balance....

Just for Today

May it Be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Key to Life is Balance

Lilacs 

 

 

 

 

 

The lilac bush outside of my condo is in full bloom...the scent literally transports me back in time to when I first bought my condo...One of the "to-do" items that I had put on my list after moving into my home was to buy a lilac bush and yellow rose bush and plant it outside of my condo.  That week after moving in, I came home after work and to my surprise in full bloom was a lilac bush and yellow rose bush in the front of my building.  I stood transfixed..this was a sign!  This was truly my home.

 

Lilacs and yellow roses have been my favorite flowers.  When my dad was dying, I carried two dozen yellow roses to his bedside.  When Mom died, I carried the yellow roses to her funeral.   I had carried three yellow roses when I married Mike...and I carried three yellow roses and placed them on the altar at his funeral. 

The lilacs and yellow roses were planted on the farm where I grew up....my love for them began there as I walked among the fields and dusty roads of my Nebraska farm. 

 

 

This past month, I have made a decision when it comes to my future.  I am going to take early retirement from nursing in December of this year..I turn 62 (knew there was a good reason for turning 62) and I will be eligible for early retirement.  By the end of this year I will be retired and by the first of next year (Jan 2007) I will be selling my home and moving to Orlando, Florida.  My youngest son Don, Lisa and the grandchildren live there and they have talked to me at length about moving to Florida to be near them.  I made the decision after much thought, as it is difficult for me to leave behind my little home that has become dear to me here by the Lake.  But I also know that my future is bright and living near my son Don and Lisa and the grandkids will be wonderful!  I love Florida..the green lawns..the sweet smell of flowers..the exotic birds that live there..the Palm Trees that beckon me...and the Ocean that awaits me.  It will be my last home...when I move to Orlando.  There I will live..and there I shall die.  And so.....next spring, I will be planting a lilac bush and yellow rose bush with the help of my son Don at my new home.

 

I have talked this with my son Dan.  He approves...he knows I am lonely and that I need to be near family.  I have talked at length with Don and Lisa...making certain this is what they truly wish...and they have truly put my mind to rest on the subject....My daughter Deb lives here in Denver...and little Jordan is here..and I have spent such sweet time with them...and it will not end....Don, Lisa and the kids fly from Orlando back to Denver often..and I will accompany them to visit Deb and Jordan.  The plans are in motion...  I am visiting Don and LIsa and grandbabies in July...at this time, I will write my will...make the necessary preparations for the move...my future.

 

 

I am on a new path...and perhaps it has been quickened by my health and my heart attack..but that is as I have always known..in the scheme of things..for "Everything is as it should be"......

 

I will carry the ashes of my beloved Mike and my pets to my new home...and perhaps in a little grassy spot in a flower garden of my new home, I will lay them to rest..to be near me.  Perhaps I knew somewhere in my mind that I was yet to move on...and perhaps this is why I have waited all this time and not spread the ashes of my loved ones here in Colorado....I just have not been able to do it..and now I think I know why....they shall be with me where I plant my final roots...in my new home.

 

More will be written as time goes by on this subject...my early retirement..selling my home here in Colorado..and my move to my new home. 

 

I feel the blessing of Mike and my beloved ones on my decision.  It is so difficult in an emotional way...for Colorado is where I met Mike..married him...and lost him....and so many memories are here.....but perhaps that is why it is so necessary for me to move away....to begin again...on the new path...on a new life..a new beginning...

 

And so I walk on my new path...towards a new home...and from time to time I shall glance back and take a "Walk through Time".