Life has been somewhat quiet for me this winter.  I found that although I live in Florida and the winters here are notoriously warm and comfortable, I still sensed the longing for Spring to arrive.  Spring did arrive, right on schedule, and like a comfortable old friend that has come for a visit, I have welcomed Spring with much enthusiasm.  I have made a few trips to the garden shops walking for endless hours along the rows of beautiful blooming flowers and vines, and on Saturday, I watched my son pluck lemons from the branches of a lemon tree that was prolific with the yellow fruit.  I stood in awe before the Lemon Tree, as I have never seen either a lemon tree or a grapefruit tree (both of which were growing in the yard), and when I came home, I had a large bag full of lemons and grapefruit.  Ahhhh Life in paradise simply wonderful!!!!

 

It has been the yearly visit for Sterling and Nancy from Colorado.  I look forward seeing them, again finding myself longing to see their faces, and listening to the family chatter.  We sat comfortably many afternoons and evenings at Don and Lisa's and sipped coffee or ice tea and Sunday they left to return to Colorado.  I waved goodbye and watched them drive away in a brand new Toyota Highlander that they had bought here in Florida.  Sterling was smiling as he climbed into the vehicle and they drove off.  I hated to see them go.  Their visit always brings such a flurry of emotions to me...Sterling is the father of my three children...he was my first love...my first husband, and within my heart, he holds a cherished position...that of someone who I have loved dearly and through Life's conflicts, I have lost...yet, here we are all these many years later, still friends.  Nancy, his wife of these past many years since our divorce, has come to accept me as well, and we can sit together in our visits without animosity ...it is a good situation and one that I am thankful for.  I always feel some apprehension...a sense of anxiety gripping my heart when I know that they are coming to Florida, and then when they arrive, and we are seated around the table at Don and Lisa's ...the laughter, and conversation fills the room, and the anxiety...the apprehension, ...drains away and I begin to relax.  And so it was again this year.  And when they left, I found myself, feeling the sadness that grips my heart over the next few days after they are gone...I have come to recognize this "blue" feeling as a low-register sense of loss ...a sadness of what could have been...but was not...  And again, this year, was no exception.  The "blue" feeling descended upon me almost immediately as I watched their Highlander drive down the street and out of sight.  I came home and last night as I slipped into my comfy old nightie, I made a mental note to go to bed early, fall asleep and let the pieces fall where they may within my mind...

 

This morning, I awoke, still with the "blues" threatening to steal the sunshine from my day.  I made a resolution to drink my coffee, read the Sunday comics and begin my Sunday with my usual passion...that of "Bird Watching" with my beloved binoculars that were once Michael's.  I carried my cup of coffee and the paper out to the Lanai, and with Andre Bocelli's "Amore" album playing sweetly on the stereo, I half-read the newspaper, laughed at a couple of comic strips...drank four cups of coffee...and watched the neighborhood Osprey swoop from the sky and splash noisily against the water of the lake as it gripped a fish within it's talons from just below the water's surface and fly upward and away with it's prize.  The day began...and I sat in the sunshine with Cleo...the day working it's healing magic upon my heart...my soul.  

 

I joined the Audabon Society a few weeks ago, and in the past week I received my membership card, and two magazines that came with the membership.  I also persued these magazines, as I sat in the sunshine.  I have always wanted to be a bird watcher...to go with a group...carrying my beloved binoculars...listening to the warbling song of the birds above in the branches of the trees and watch the wildlife.  I do this now from my lanai...in the comfort of my home.  However, there are unknown trails waiting for me in the near future...trails that thousands have walked before me....but brandnew and unknown  to me....these trails beckon me and I look forward to the day trips of the local Audabon chapter and the birds that I shall see...and the people that I shall meet.  The adventures await...the magazines promise...and so, it shall be for me.  I shall call the local chapter Monday and get the year around schedule for meetings and day trips.

 

As the sun set tonight, hidden behind the cloud cover that the weatherman has predicted holds a 20 to 30% chance for rain showers tonight, and the words flit across the screen as my fingers dance over the keyboard...I am reminded of one single truth...Although "Nothing is Permanent except Change" (in most instances)...it does not hold true when it comes to Love.  Love can be the exception to this...and I choose to think that it is indeed....and so, I leave you with this thought of Amore...True Love is Forever...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I heard a loud noise and I went to look out of my lanai and there laying at the base of the tree was my bird feeder and the awesome sight of a black bear who had come from the woods to climb the tree and knock down the bird feeder.  He was hungry...and I, so completely enthralled stood watching this beautiful creature that is still a creature of the wild.  He still roams free... this is so amazing to me as we humans have taken over so much of their wildlife habitat to build our homes..our schools...our neighborhoods.  Yet, here in my back yard sat a bear...completely oblivious to me.  I stood silently watching this wonderful sight of Nature...this bear that is not behind a caged in arena of a zoo.  The Bear, perhaps sensing I was there watching him...finally left.  I hated to see him go...as he disappeared silently into the wooded area where I live.

 

A thought came to me as I stood there, my heart beating fast with excitement of seeing the Bear that I have already dubbed "My Black Bear"...a thought so exquisite ...so perfect for the moment ..pristine and pure it came to me with the realization in this "moment of clarity"....  Fear Not...for Everything is as it should Be...The very words that I once dreamed long ago and from whence I wrote my first poem...Seasons of the Heart.    Yes, Everything is as it should be....just like The little Black Bear still wild and free within this small space of wooded trees that border this urban residential condominiums showed me once again the true meaning of "Everything is as it should be..." 

 

I must trust in these words...and so, with fear and worry smothered by the existance of faith  that "Everything is as it should be..."  I shall sleep gentle tonight...I will awaken tomorrow thankful for another Day...and I will place my Grandson Josh in Iraq once again in God's Hands...and I shall trust ...

 

My Black Bear sweet and beautiful has brought me peace.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I heard first thing on the news today that 5 US soldiers were killed by a suicide bomber in Baghdad.  The names of the casualties have not been released yet in the news...nor in the site listed above that I find myself checking almost on a daily basis since Josh has returned to Iraq.  I did not want to let fear choke my mind today, so I headed off to Steinmart to walk aimlessly through the aisles and stare but not see the spring collection of wares that were being offered.  I spent two hours walking in Steinmart...I finally left with a much needed spring pale yellow tank top and khaki crop pants.  Since I have been losing weight this past year, my closet has the too-big-to-tell-you-about clothing and then a few "winter" items that have been bought in smaller sizes..(yea!!!!) two dress pair of jeans, one black pair slacks...and a few summer tank tops that are too-big-to-mention that don't fit anymore (thank God!!!)  AT any rate, still in an uproar, I came home and have cleaned out the closet and have clothes now packed to give to Good Will. 

 

I watched Katie yesterday along with the new addition to the family (baby Mimi dog).  We had a great time.  We walked Mimi around the Lake and watched the Blue heron and Ibis that had come to the lake to feed.  Mimi was terribly interested in the ducks...we laughed ...she is such a tiny baby..now just 10 weeks old and curious about everything.  It was so fun spending this time with Katie and Mimi.  Katie chose a couple of movies to watch on tv...the latest Harry Potter movie (which was good) and the second flick which I could not relate to (laughingly) was The Bratt Movie...however, Katie loved it (sigh).  We ate popcorn and drank lemonaide and enjoyed the afternoon that went by quickly.  Don and Lisa came to pick up Katie and Mimi shortly before Dinner time, and when they left, I changed into my nightie ..lay down on the couch to watch tv...on the Science channel "Super Comet and the Aftermath" was on and somewhere along the line, fell fast asleep, only to awaken (still on the couch) this morning at 6 AM.  I awoke remembering the gloom and doom of Super Comet etc that had pretty much wiped the human race off the planet...or was that my dream?  At any rate, groggy and wishing to fall back asleep, I nevertheless got up and made coffee and sipped coffee until my mind was awake enough to take the morning shower and get dressed ...back to the lanai with a cup of coffee to watch the feeding ducks and birds at the magnolia tree where I had spread duck food and added bird seed to the bird feeders. 

 

I must keep peace within me...even when fear for my Grandson and the soldiers weigh heavily upon me. I know this (my reasoning is always half-way sound)...its my heart that gets in the way!  I got out my Rosary and said the pre-requisite prayers...and then added my own prayers sincerely asking God above to watch over and keep Josh and our troops safe.  I feel a bit better after talking to God...(I generally do)

 

Which brings me to not understanding a long-time friend of mine...Kenny...who does not believe in God.  It amazes me truly.  Ken and I grew up in the same farm area of Nebraska.  We went to church...our parents went to church...it was a way of life.  We dated in High School.  We met again, in 1996, 34 years later.  Ken, had lost his wife to alcoholism.  I was terrified at that time of losing my Mike to alcoholism as well...not knowing at that time, that only a few years later, 2001, Mike would die from an accidental overdose of prescribed pain medications.  So Ken and I have kept in touch over the years.  A woman that he met  in a Grief counseling group moved in with him and is more or less living with him or so he explains to me...I cannot imagine.  Either move in...or move out...but don't half-way live with me (or so I feel at this moment...but then what do I know?)  At any rate, I digress...Kenny told me in one of his phone calls to me, that he doesn't believe in God.  I was of course speechless.  No God????  No Afterlife????  What the hell is living supposed to be about if this is all there is I ask him.   He feels one should live now....and no one has come back from the dead to tell him there is an afterlife for sure....what can I say?  No point in pointing out blind faith...its not going to work for him.  So I left the subject alone, although totally feeling great pity for him in my mind, after all, if I didn't have the blind faith of hoping that someday I would see those who I have loved and who have died once again in the Afterlife, well gee I would really be bummed!!!!  So....the subject was dropped.  And so I cling to my faith...because when its my time time to die (and who knows how long I have got anyway?) I had better be seeing that white light...the tunnel...and then....there's Michael, Mom, Dad, my brother...and various pets I have lost along the way...the Ancient Men...Nestle....Gretchen, Old Man Max, ...CC bird etc. waiting for me.......End of story!!!!!

 

I have rambled enough...blame it on the headline news that has troubled me....blame it on me growing older....

I love you my Family, my Friends.....you make my life sweet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Anniversary My Beloved...

Tonight I light a candle in your memory and I raise a glass of Merlot.   Another year has gone by...so much is happening in my life.  I have found a gentle peace within me and a joy upon awakening each morning to the sound of the songbirds in the Magnolia tree.  The yellow ribbon is tied securely around the tree trunk..the small American Flag that is attached to the yellow ribbon flutters in the breeze.  My Michael..you were a soldier...a warrior during your life here on earth.  Now I ask that you watch over our Grandson Josh  in Iraq and bring him and the troops home safely.   Spread your wings and fly my Angel above and until I see you again, be our Intercessor to God, whose face shines upon you.

Slowly I feel my heart..my soul awaken to life around me my Michael.  I have come to realize that whether I find another Love in my lifetime or not, I have been so blessed to have loved you and to have been loved by you.   I realize that many who have lived on this earth have never found true love.  You and I had true love...we may have had our problems you and I...but no matter what, we stood by one another and we loved one another.  I can ask no more...

And so tonight...as the candle glows in the darkness and I sip the Merlot...I remember you...and I am happy.

Happy Anniversary Michael.  I love you.

 

 

 

Mimi with her new Mommy

 

Life is always full of surprises and Mimi's arrival into our family is a pleasant and wonderful gift of joy!  Mimi is 9 weeks old.  Don, Lisa, and my grandchildren have felt a terrible void in their family since the passing of Nestle.  Katie (age 9) in particular has been  grieving the loss of Nestle, who lived 15 glorious years with the family.  So the decision was made  over a week ago to adopt a baby puppy...(not to replace Nestle's memory, as this cannot happen, but rather to bring another little member into the family that would bring sweetness and happiness to each of us.)  Don, Lisa and Katie picked up Mimi from the airport Saturday.  She was shipped by plane by the breeder to Florida.    I drove over Saturday late afternoon to see my new Granddog.  Mimi is such a tiny little baby and my little baby Granddog  attached herself to my heart the moment that I laid eyes on her.  She kissed my face with her little licks and when I looked into her eyes, I could see the sweet innocence that only babies seem to possess...the look of the "Angels who have seen God".  What a joy to behold!

 

This week has been a busy one for me.  Katie has been home from school with strep throat.  I have been helping Lisa with picking up Alec from school and today I will baby sit with Katie while Lisa runs some errands and picks up Alec from school and takes him after school to his guitar lesson.  Alec has visions of becoming a rock guitarist ...Alec is 12 years old and his spirit is full of dreams.  I think we should always have our dreams.  When we stop dreaming...it is as tho we stop "living"...I understand Alec totally.  My dream is to be a writer....

 

And so it is....and may it be...

 

I must end this blog...I am off to babysit little sick Katie and my little Granddog Mimi...while Lisa runs some errands.  It is so wonderful to be a Grandmum!!!!  I am very blessed!