The Celestial Bus Ride..I never thought about taking the Celestial ride ( I refer to death as the Celestial Bus Ride) until I sustained losses in my life.  I began to think about it when I first lost my Dad and then a year later my Mom.  But then, the loss of your parents is something you know will ultimately come.  You simply choose not to think about it and when it does happen, you acknowledge that it was inevitable and you go on.     It never really touched me deeply however until I lost my husband.  I realized then that in one short moment of time all you have left to give is your memories that you have made with others.   I also realized how difficult it is to leave loved ones to handle your departure.  I found myself terribly lost when Mike my husband died.  It was unexpected and I was left regretting the fact that I had gone to work that day.  I had gone to help others.  I am a nurse and that is what nurses do.  I worked a 12 hour shift at a local hospital and came home to find that Mike had bought the ticket and had boarded the Celestial Bus and taken a ride. His spirit had drifted away.   I was completely immersed in grief.  He was gone..just like that.  Out of my life..away from this earth..on to the Beyond.  I felt numb.  Pain unlike anything I had ever known completely engulfed me.  I remember so little of the next few days..arranging his cremation..arranging for family and friends to know...arranging his funeral..arranging....arranging..arranging.  I made decisions in a mechanical way. Grief allows you to do that sometimes.  I remember clearly however the funeral.  I carried three roses and placed them on the altar by his picture.  The picture was of Mike and me in our young years.  I chose the three yellow roses because I had carried three yellow roses when we were married.  I kissed the yellow roses and placed them by our picture.  I sat through the funeral with the strains of "Amazing Grace" whispering softly in the background.  I looked at Mike's Green Beret hat that I had placed next to the flowers.  He had survived Viet Nam physically, but emotionally he had opted to take the Celestial Bus Ride long before he boarded the bus.  His entire life was lived with memories of that awful war and it affected his heart where my love could not touch or heal.  The folded flag ceremony and then the folded flag was handed to me.  My hands trembled as the flag was folded and handed to me.  I whispered and no one heard, "Soldier Boy I shall always love you".

Life has gone on since those days three years ago.  I have tucked my Mike sweetly into a secret place in my heart.  I have chosen to live.  To go on.  To begin again.  Nothing is permanent except change.  I choose to believe that death is not permanent either.  I also choose to believe that life is beautiful and precious and I live each day to stop and smell the  lilacs and yellow roses that blooms in my life. I await love.

I have spoke about this with my children..I tell them someday they must handle my affairs after I have purchased my ticket and boarded the bus for my Celestial Bus Ride.  I told them not to weep for what was but to laugh for what shall be. I told them to place three yellow roses by my side and to spread my ashes in the draft wind as the Bus departs.